I have no clue how to even begin this post, so here goes nothing - I tracked down Megan's other grandparents (her fathers parents) over Memorial Day weekend. I really want Megan to maintain some kind of connection with her father (John), which is tough when you don't even know where his final resting place is, and you decided, not long after he died, to cut all ties with his family. Why, you ask? Well, if you don't already know the big, ugly story, I will just leave it at that, it is a big, ugly story! And, just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, you have to sit your wonderful, amazing, smiley little girl down and tell her that Daddy won't be coming home, ever! Anyway, after he died, it seemed as though I was somehow being held responsible, I think mainly because I was alive, and their son wasn't. It was such a struggle at the time, dealing with all the pain and surprising amount of emotion, staying strong for Megan, trying to answer the questions (where is Daddy? can I talk to Daddy? when will I see Daddy again?) when there really are no answers, and I just couldn't deal with the negativity. So, I did what I had to do at the time, and I cut ties.
I know, I know, horrible of me, and I won't make excuses (although it seems as I just did!), and there, it's done. So, there we are, driving around LA with my brother, and he is telling me that they have a car for me to use if I want to go anywhere. And it just comes out, I ask Megan "If I can find out where your Dad is, do you want to go see him?" Duh, of course, she says (so typically Megan) "I guess". We get home, I fire up the laptop, one query in Google, and lo and behold, I am talking to John's father (Vic) on the phone. Only it's not as simple as I first thought, they want me to come and visit, then they will take us to where John is. Of course, I am such an idiot sometimes, how could I have ever thought that I was going to get through this without facing them, finally?! AGGGGHHHHH! I really hate conflict, or contension, and there seems to be no choice, I have to do this.
Well, Memorial Day dawns, my sister in law (bless her little cotton socks!) wishes me luck, tells me she is proud of me, and off I go. It has been over 10 years since I drove to this house, and I still know the way, almost without directions. I would share all the memories with you, but they aren't that great, unless we go way, way, way back to when I was a wee 19 yr old!
It's difficult for me to express how I felt as I drove up to that house, but the strongest feeling is fear. Not fear of these people, but fear that I have permanently damaged Megan by doing one of two things, or even both. Firstly, by cutting of the relationship with John's parents, or, secondly, by re-introducing them after all this time. Or, perhaps, both events will complete the job I started 13 years ago. Forget saving for a college education, I'm saving for the therapy! There's no turning back now, I have just called to tell them I am pulling up, so it's not like I can pretend that I couldn't find the house.
Ok, so it really wasn't that bad. They were very happy to see us, and gave Megan some great photo's of John. The moment that I knew would come, finally came (the question of why), and I was pretty clear that I was there for Megan, not them, not me, and that whatever happened in the past was exactly that, in the past. Then, it was time to go see John. It was very strange to see his name on a placque on a wall. Just two lines, "John P Teresinski; 1967 - 2000" No mention of fatherhood, or being a son, just simple, he was here, and now he is a placque on a wall.
Well, not really - we are all so much more than that. What isn't memorialized on the placque, lives on in Megan. He was, and is, a father, who is much loved by his daughter. He is someone's son, and they loved him very much. Just like any of us, he was flawed, and just like any of us, he was loved by his family, and he should be remembered for that.
